Couple of recent pieces

[suigintou]

Don't feel like bumping that old thread I was updating every now and then as an "archive," because I kept having to double post in it when people didn't give comments.

So from now on I'll just create new threads every now and then like everyone else does.

And no, it's not a coincidence that the first two start with the same four words. I wrote one right after the other, so they're two alternate takes on a single line that was in my head.

Oh, and the last two lines in the first poem are a reference to a song, so sorry if you don't get it.

Anyway, here's three recent poems:


Something

There's a poem
in the sway of your hips,
the white of your smile,
the sheen of your hair.

A certain something,
a sweetened nothing,
in the rose of your cheek,
that summer-sweat blush.

Something in the
warm eclipse of your eyes
as your head is crowned;
feathers and dreams for a queen.

Something in the way
you lean on my shoulder,
with Joni on the radio,
drinking a case of you.


Poems

There's a poem in those leaves, you know,
down by the lake.
And don't it make you wonder how an artist
can see such beauty
in something so dead?

The passing of time as the green turns away,
or the applesauce crisp in the
crinch-crunch,
crinch-crunch at your heels?

Don't it make you roll your eyes,
the way those artists swing?
The way they die a little when the colors don't stain?
When they don't dance?

But don't it make you stop,
make you think,
when the shoe fits?
Don't it make you sing?


78 Degrees and Sunny

Never seen a deeper blue;
never held a greener blade;
never had a better day
to find a place to hide away,
lay down my weight,
and die

with a smile on my face.

[Raven]

Well in the first poem did you mean "sweet" or "sweat" in the line: "that summer-sweat blush."? Sounds kinda hot, but it totally ruined the mood for me.
Your second poem feels a little broken up or scattered. I like the initial idea you present, but it becomes muddled and seems to lose the intensity it started with.
Reading this really shows me what you meant by the wordiness of my work.
The last is my favorite and to me paints the most vivid picture.

[suigintou]

Originally Posted by Raven

Well in the first poem did you mean "sweet" or "sweat" in the line: "that summer-sweat blush."? Sounds kinda hot, but it totally ruined the mood for me.

Summer-sweat. Why would it have been sweet? "Summer-sweat" and "summer-sweet" both aren't real words/phrases anyway. The point is that summer parallels passion on the creation of sweat and blushes.

Originally Posted by Raven

Your second poem feels a little broken up or scattered. I like the initial idea you present, but it becomes muddled and seems to lose the intensity it started with.

Really? Hmm...well the way I wrote it and read it back to myself it's quite continuous. But we all have different ways of reading things.

Anyway, thanks a lot for the feedback.

[fejknick]

The last one was hellagood.

[ExRhapsody]

I'm not good at picking out specifics in poetry but I know that I liked Something and 78 Degrees and Sunny. Although I like my sunny days a little hotter :). Good job, Sui! <3