My Archives

[Raven]

Found some old files on my hard drive, hope it's as enjoyable for yo to read them as it was for me to rediscover them:

Memory
I nearly forgot
That there has been a cost
For everything I do
And everything I’ve done.

A price that has been paid
A debt that is to come
Are paid by all the others
On whose path I run.

There will come a day
When I will play my part
Then worn and bent of age
I’ll run out of brick to lay.

I may be forgotten
My contribution small
But I will not forget
Those who came before

Life
Life is a thing
Coveted by so many
But what makes a life?
Does anybody know?

It’s hard to understand
Something you always have
Why do those with life
Beg for more and more?

It’s not a fear of knowing
Rather of the unknown
Who covets his life more
Than a man about to lose it?

Like a captured animal
Man fights for life
But what makes man man
But his ability to give it?

Maybe what we fear
Is not the unknown
But losing what we know
We know nothing about

We fear losing what we possess
We fear most
Losing what we understand least
The biggest mystery; Life

Depressed
I can’t read anymore
I can’t watch movies
Meaning without life
A life without meaning.

I thirst for knowledge
I cannot buy what I desire
In a world of paper and metal
Only thought is pure.

Stumbling through life without a purpose
A wanabe revolutionary without a cause to fight for
Lost in a deluded world entertained by nothing
I am at a loss

Laughter comes rarely to my lips
Monotony is a daily ritual
Possessed by possessions
The myth of satisfaction.

Why are the people satisfied by the mediocre?
How can someone be fulfilled vicariously?

All comments, criticism, and feedback are appreciated!

[suigintou]

Hm, why do some of the best pieces get the least amount of replies?

To be brutally honest, I find your tone rather monotone at times. This is probably because there is not much feeling in wordiness which you seem to be fond of now and then. Things like "a wannabe revolutionary without a cause to fight for," you know. It doesn't just look long...it is long. In free verse (which you're obviously doing), meter doesn't have to play any part, but we should have at least some sort of consistent flow...and you really do have one...it's just that it gets interrupted by wordiness sometimes. Punctuation and re-working of lines or even eliminations may help. Try whatever works best for you.

Anyway, harsh criticism aside, these are all good. The third one is my favorite out of the lot, because of this stanza:

Laughter comes rarely to my lips
Monotony is a daily ritual
Possessed by possessions
The myth of satisfaction.

That stanza is better than anything else you churned out in these three pieces, and it really leaves me to wonder why you didn't play with words so eloquently more often. It's simple yet powerful, like some sort of poetic Morgan Freeman.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

[Raven]

I know exactly what you mean, the reason for that would be because most of my work is half baked, I just type thoughts at they come to my head and have done little refinement. Thank you for your comments, I hope to come out with something better soon!