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Anime Fuel Veteran
Location: My world.
The Mummy: Tomb of the dragon emperor
Right so as a piece of coursework for school i have to do a review on a film that i hate, i decided to have a bit of fun with the idea and came up with this, right the reason im putting it on here is because im really on the fence as to whether it is crap or not and i'm never gonna meet you people so i dont care if you come back with "ye its rubbish" so erm could you be the best internet buddies ever and give me your thoughts?
Muhaha, I am Emperor Han and I control the best Chinese army in the world! I will slay my foes and then get a witch to make me immortal, she will cleverly put a curse on me that will turn me to stone and then she will betray me and transform me into a mummy because I am not good looking enough for her. Wait can people made of terracotta really be mummies? Who cares, this film is titled The Mummy so this must be true!
I had to lay in wait for near on two thousand years for Alex O’connell (Luke ford) to meet his parents in Jonathon’s, Alex’s uncle, chinese nightclub. First things first, what is Jonathon doing in China? And why is Alex apparently American even though he was brought up by a very respectable English family. I mean have you heard Maria Bello’s, who plays Evelyn O’connell, fake English accent? It’s impeccable. The way she said “O rats” over a failed attempt at wooing her husband was so amazingly fake I found myself feeling sorry for the poor fool who wrote these lines. Did you notice that the actress playing Evelyn has changed since the last film? Rachel apparently dropped out of the film after reading the script (“Don’t worry” said casters “No one will ever know”) I’m sorry but if that isn’t proof enough that this film fails I do not know what is…oh wait I do, and this comes in the form of another forced line on the part of Mrs O’connell “It’s so exciting!” your going to see a mummy, not a musical.
Cue my entrance! No I do not rise up from a coffin as you may have come to expect, you see the big dude made of stone behind the coffin? Yeah that’s me. Not good enough for you? Wait until you hear my voice. They could have swapped it with Maria Bello’s and I would not have sounded any worse.
Baha! I chased the miscreants through the streets, tearing it up as I go whilst they let off various fireworks, I found some humour in the fact that Jonathon is pulled into all of the commotion with a line that did strike me as slightly amusing. Suddenly it seemed as if the film had just redeemed itself, Jonathon was going to come along for the ride and hopefully throw in a few lines to lighten the mood! Until of course the writers just kill it, Jonathon’s bottom is set alight, slightly amusing, he jumps about with cries of “Spank my arse, spank my arse” excuse me, spank? I don’t know if that is a term used in those days when ones bottom happens to be alight but…enough said.
Up ward and onward! Quite literally, as the O’connells, Jonathon, a yak and a man named mad dog, wait it gets worse, fly a plane towards the Himalayas in an attempt to find some direction…thing? Of course mad dog promptly lives up to his name and decides to make a dangerous descent where we find Rick laughing, then catching himself “Why am I laughing?” I don’t know Rick, maybe it is because the yak just threw up on Jonathon? Can the jokes get any worse?
Here I am again! Charging in like I own the place, hehe watch those mortals run as I blast them with my firepower! And what does Lin, Alex’s girlfriend he totally denies it but he is so in love with her, decide to use to fight against me? It’s only three abominable snowmen! Or as Evie proudly states “They are Yeti’s” mmm thank you Miss Egyptologist. Still you can see where I am coming from, snowmen, in a film about mummies that doesn’t have a single mummy in it unless you count the people made of terracotta? I’m actually quite proud of myself, not only do I manage to thwart the O’connells and the snow men’s plans but I also manage to actually kill one of them, yes that is right ladies and gentlemen one of them dies. Yes it is an outrage, because it has never happened before in a The Mummy film. Has it?
Don’t worry though, just to be original Rick gets brought back, muha I truly am evil, telling you who dies, that is my best work, how could I be better than that! I know I’ll steal the only weapon that can kill me whilst their backs are turned as they have their father-son moment with mum standing in the sidelines ready to interfere.
I control the elements! I can morph into a cat! And I can send avalanches crashing down on abominable snowmen yet I am dumb enough to carry around the only weapon that can kill me! I really am the best ruler China will ever have, as my new general puts it. “What are we doing tonight Emperor Han” “Tonight? We shall take over the world” (Using a terracotta army, my morphing abilities and the only weapon that can kill me)
Ack what is this? That witch is taking away her immortality to raise an army of dead slaves who happen to know how to fight! This is good, now I can ironically kill her then run off to my secret place.
Not so secret when Rick finds me, holding the only blade that can kill me (did I drop it?), with his son at his side. We fight for a bit as I morph into a large feline and try to claw his eyes out, way less effective than the three headed dragon I was earlier, “Fight like a man!” Rick cries, so like the good bad guy I am I stop my morphing mischief and have a punch up with Rick. Of course I can’t cheat or anything it says so in my ‘How to be a good bad guy’ handbook. And this, obviously, is my downfall. Damn blade I knew I should have destroyed it.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is a very unoriginal film, coming as the third in the series it has been anticipated by many avid The Mummy fans since the trailers first came out. Many hoped that after the small dip in quality with the second film that the third would become a huge success, sadly they are to be disappointed.
The un dead shall be banished to the pits of hell where they shall injure a life time of suffering and turn into Terracotta?!?
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Last edited by Waste; 10-30-2008 at 12:37 AM..
Anime Fuel Elder
i read 1 sentence i will come back later to read the rest
Please use tolerance and common sense before you make a post. Also read some of the most important rules you'll ever read in your miserable lives.
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