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Creative Writing Share your creative literacy with us!

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Old 10-01-2008   #1
~nekochan~
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Post Can't help falling in love

I looked into your crisp blue eyes
There's something I have never seen,
a kind of joy that can be shared
with people who have never dared
to love

Since it's you and only you,
I found the strength to smile.
There's something to fill my empty heart
A feeling I have never felt
to anyone
I can't help it
Can't help falling in love

Since it's you and only you,
that makes my heart flutter
My heart pounding so hard
I might just burst.
The red in my cheeks
Oh so rosy
Is caused by you
and only you

I can't help it...

No I can't....

Can't help falling in love...
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Last edited by ~nekochan~; 10-03-2008 at 12:01 AM..
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Old 10-02-2008   #2
suigintou
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This is very much a lyrical poem, you know that? I think this would work quite well as a song.

One piece of advice: there's no rule saying you have to start every line with a capital letter. You might find it easier to show us where to pause when your lines continue as if they were normal sentences, you know?

Something like this:

I looked into your crisp blue eyes;
there's something I have never seen-
a kind of joy that can be shared
to (with?) people who has (have?) never dared
to love.

It just flows a bit better if you ask me. But you don't have to take my advice. And just try to be more careful about typos, like the two I pointed out above.

You have a good sense of line breaks, and you have potential. Overall, a good piece, but it needs some revising.

Hope I was able to help. :3
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Old 10-02-2008   #3
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Subject verb agreement. Learn it well
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Old 10-02-2008   #4
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very nice, but love is fake
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Old 10-02-2008   #5
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its a nice and wonderful but like lemonek said love is fake
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Old 10-02-2008   #6
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ur a lifeless manikin if u say love is fake. i enjoyed the poem alot.
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Old 10-02-2008   #7
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hehehehe.... love is in the air!!! :P
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Old 10-02-2008   #8
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That was a good poem. Keep up the good work.
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Old 10-02-2008   #9
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...i like it too,.but as soulten said,.there are some wrong grammars,.

but nevertheless,.i love it!,.

love is never a fake!,.even though i dont have special someone,.i still believe in love!,.

you can say im a hopless romantic,.admitted,.but i satnd to what i said!,.♥
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Old 10-03-2008   #10
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This is really good. I agree it would do well as a song but it's also good as a poem. Great job Neko-chan!
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