The Official Zombie Survival Guide

[Russkie]

The Official Zombie Survival Guide

Note: While most of these tips are strictly in reference to the event of a zombie Apocalypse, some tips cover all horror-movie-like scenarios.

1. Never investigate strange noises. Just go in the opposite direction. Especially if that strange sound is a blood-curdling scream.

2. Always have more than one firearm in case of misfire or running out of ammunition. Having a close-combat weapon is useful for those moments when you don't have time to reload, switch guns, or run out of ammo for both. Murphey's Law: If it can go wrong, it will. (This also means do NOT, under any circumstances, say "It can't get any worse.")

3. Be ready for all fighting scenarios (see above).

4. Be supplied. Non-perishable food, water, Tylenol. When the end of the world comes, I doubt anyone'll track you down for not paying for the stuff you get from a handy deserted store.

5. Never fight if you can run. Coward you may be, but a smart, living coward you will be.

6. Natural, animal instincts are important. "Morality" gets you killed. Be vicious, be ruthless.

7. Silence is your friend. Screaming/whining/whimpering/*****ing will do nothing but alert the zombies of your position, and make the people in your Survival Group want you dead.

8. Put a star by this one, because it's a biggie. Do NOT hesitate to shoot an infected human. Do NOT hesitate to shoot yourself if the worst should happen.

9. Know thine enemy. Know your zombie facts.

10. When running the **** away, do NOT look back. It's never a good sight and it slows you down. Note bene: Where you're running to is not as much an issue as what you are running away from

11. Always save one bullet for yourself. (See Rule 8.)

12. "Desperate times call for Desperate measures" is said by desperate people. When the zombies get here, consider yourself fairly desperate.

13. No place is safe; only safer. While being in a place with only one way out has its perks, it also means there will still only be one way out when the zombies come streaming through the door.

14. High ground = Your friend.

15. Shoot for the head. Anywhere else is a wasted bullet.

16. Sometimes, the few need to be sacrificed for the good of the many. If someone is acting foolishly and going to get everyone killed, ditch them. If there is no way you can help someone out of a tight spot without endangering more people, ditch them. If that person is just a dumbass, ditch them. The zombies get dumb and fat people first.

17. Have comfortable running atire. For your average citizen, this would include sturdy pants that would block zombie teeth but still allow mobility, t-shirt and a leather jacket, also for blocking zombie teeth. Always have comfortable running-the-****-away shoes. Wouldn't it suck to get caught by the zombies because you got a blister on your heel? (Side Note: Dress weather appropriate. Ex: Don't go out in t-shirt and shorts in the middle of winter. Seriously. That's just ****ing stupid.)

18. Know what kind of people you need to have in your "survive the Apocalypse" group. You need someone who knows how to treat injuries, someone who can lead/is intellegent, a resident gun-nut (we're set, there.) or brave, but not stupid-brave guy, the token MacGuyver-esque guy who can do everything with anything, and a few expendable people to let the zombies have when in a pinch. (Don't give the zombies a fat guy. Then you'll just have a fat zombie to deal with later.)

19. Do not go into the water. Do not drink the water.

20. NEVER assume what's chasing/attacking/whatever is gone or dead. Make that mistake and you are one dead mofo.

21. Mark this one with a star, it's another biggie. NEVER EVER EVER EVER volunteer for anything. Volunteering people die.

22. Never be first in line in a group. Lead people sometimes get picked off. But NEVER be last in line. The guys at the end of the line always get picked off.

23. Cross-training: Learn the important skills of your other group members, you never know when you could lose your Medic, your Gun Expert, or any other important member of your group. (As a note to this one: Save the important people. If the zombies are about to catch a dumb ****, let 'im go.)

24. Never rely on one person. Never rely on one weapon.

25. Never hole up somewhere with the intent to stay there forever. Always have a Plan B, and having a Plan C never hurts either.

26. Always take supplies when at all possible.

27. Everyday items can become lethal in the right hands. Knowing that flour or sawdust can be dangerous explosives, or that a knife tied to the end of a stick is better than just a knife or just a stick, may not get you much in a non-zombie riddled world, but once the brain-chompers show up, your stock just rose exponentially.

28. Always assume that an "empty" building has at least four zombies in it.

29. If you can see a zombie, it is far too close.

30. Know how to use weaponry, vehicles, planes and explosives.

31. Don't live off the hope that the army or whatever will save you. They are not your friends, but on the other hand, they are likely to be the only human organization still functioning.

32. Zombies can't swim, but they can walk and they don't breathe. Don't expect all islands to be safe.

33. Zombies may or may not need food. You do.

34. Get the **** out of Dodge. Never go back to see if it's better.

35. If Mom and Aunt Sally were at the store, they're dead. Your girlfriend across town is dead. Little Billy is dead. Stop being an emo and a/an hero and move on. Jesus.

36. Zombies may feed on other animals aside from humans, but only humans reanimate. Get that bullshit about animal zombies out of your mind.

37. Be prepared to forage and hunt for food. Cook all food thouroughly and boil your water. That's just normal germ-killing info. Seriously, how bad would it suck to get dysentry, cholera, or E. coli in the middle of the Zombie Apocalypse?

38. If at all possible, avoid traveling at night. People have a tendency to get nervous in the dark without a Zombie Apocalypse going on. Use your senses and good judgement.

39. Don't dick around by trying to scare people. Everyone's gonna be shitting their pants anyway; that crap will get you shot.

40. Zombies are no stronger then when they were alive. If you can't lift/push/punch through/etc something a zombie more then likely can't either. Remember that they also can't feel pain, so they can use their full power(but their muscles are also decaying). However, the longer zombies remain active, the better chance you have. Excersise tears muscles slightly, but cellular regeneration patches things up quickly. Zombies have no cellular regeneration, seeing as they are dead. Kinda.

41. Zombies tend to move in packs. If you find one zombie, there are more than likely more around. They will outnumber you. Do not try to decieve yourself of that fact.

42. Always have someone on guard duty. If you fall asleep on guard duty, it's the death penalty.

43. If you are unlucky enough to be stuck with a non-believer in your group ("It's not real" or "God will take time out from His busy schedule running the Universe to save our sorry asses"), either convert them really fast, or ditch them (Beating to death or feeding them to the monsters/zombies is also acceptable.). And as a side note, it's been scientifically proven by the sikrit zombie survival people (Read: Mary and Arcades) that non-believers attract zombies like honey attracts flies. Make of it what you will.

44. Don't trust random gangs of kids in malls. Or emo-kids. Especially emo-kids. Seriously.

Note on Cemetaries: Verdict is in. If the zombies are true undeads, stay the **** away from cemetaries. If it's "virus-style" zombies, they are okay. However, they're generally thought of as a bad place to be due to poor lighting and the general uneasiness cemetaries bring to your average person. Last thing you need is to be excessively jumpy during the zombie Apocalypse.

The information above is a guide to successfully survive during the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Its my job to warn you all, I hope this information helps you survive longer than the idiots who didn't read this guide and turned into zombies.

(Written by Mary the Fantabulous)

[Mugen]

I got a better guide!

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnNIs4YKtZM

[tripletres]

Whooo... thanks for that man! i was busy trying to convert the fat idiot who cant do anything adn wants to rest in empty buildings, which apearently have at least four zombies, and i was always looking over my shoulder for animal zombies. now i know to kill the idiot and there are no animal zombies.

[atomicwarz]

YouTube - Red vs. Blue - Zombie Plans

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the masters at work

[Shigami]

So in order to have a certain number of zombie's inside a town,you need to have 1 zombie and a lot of human's to begin with.
And since zombie's dont have any more power than an ordinary human according to you,then we can bite them as well..
So it's like hundrents of people against 1 zombie..Tough time for the zombie huh?

[Muse]

I doubt I will ever be able to remember that LOL

[Raven]

Originally Posted by Shigami

So in order to have a certain number of zombie's inside a town,you need to have 1 zombie and a lot of human's to begin with.
And since zombie's dont have any more power than an ordinary human according to you,then we can bite them as well..
So it's like hundrents of people against 1 zombie..Tough time for the zombie huh?

No, first people don't expect zombies to exsist which would allow the zombie to get close. Second of all, if the zombie bites you or transfers any bodily fluid to a human, that human will turn into a zombie. As for biting the zombie, consuming zombie flesh will kill you and if you don't actually eat the flesh, you will turn into a zombie.

[Rincewind]

LOL, cool mate, dunno how useful it will be when i start to play Left 4 Dead on my xbox360, there its the person with the biggest guns and happyest triggerfingers who survive :D

[Raven]

Originally Posted by Rincewind

LOL, cool mate, dunno how useful it will be when i start to play Left 4 Dead on my xbox360, there its the person with the biggest guns and happyest triggerfingers who survive :D

That game looks awesome! Valve has to be one of the best game producers ever. I didn't know it came out for the xbox, how do you like it?

[Shigami]

Originally Posted by Raven

That game looks awesome! Valve has to be one of the best game producers ever. I didn't know it came out for the xbox, how do you like it?

Actually it will be released for xbox and pc about the same time.Anyway,people do not believe in zombie's because .. Zombie's do not exist.And since i do know how virus in general work,i say that even if a zombie bite's you then you still have couple of day's left to live untill you become on yourself.Which basicly mean's you have enough time to kill the zombie and find the cure to save everyone.And how do you know that 'zombies' are not smart? If a virus is able to take over the human-body i'm certain that it will be capable enough to make the host use a weapon of some short,if not make it smarter than an actual human.