I Want To (Redone )

[AkiTorrien]

(Okay, so I Took one of my poems and added more to it. So I wanted to just share with all of you guys. :3 I really hope you like it. The added text will be in a different color)

I want to spend nights under stars with him.
Lie on the couch and watch lame movies
only to fall asleep in each others arms half way though.

I want to sleep the day and night away
in his arms, as he holds me.
I want to hear him say "I love you"
knowing I can say it too.

I want to to see his smiling face each morning.
and kiss me as I wake
I want to cry on his shoulder
only to have him wrap his arms around my waist.

I want to make him feel like the most important person in this world
Be the one he kisess
Be the first thing he sees each morning
the last thing he sees before falling asleep
the one in his dreams.

I want to dance in the rain with him,
Dance in puddles, Dance in droplets,
Laughing and smiling,
and then, cuddle up in the blankets to dry off.
I want to make him smile, for he makes me smile each day.


Take him to be my one and only
and cherish him day by day.
I love him and that love grows with each passing day.

[Bobadoe]

Awe.....I love it.

10/10.

*thinks* That.....is a memory for another day.

[Fox Girl]

Wow...that is so beautiful aki. I just love it to death. Keep up the good work. ^^

[suigintou]

There isn't much wrong with this piece, Aki, and I'm glad you added what you did. This poem would be a lot weaker without that "dancing in the rain" image, because most of the other images aren't nearly as interesting or have been re-used too often in poetry.

The poem's main problem is wordiness. Well, wordiness and redundancy. For example, take "in his arms, as he holds me" or "I want to cry on his shoulder/only to have him wrap..." The first is of course a case of redundancy...you're stating the same thing twice. It disrupts the nice, even flow of things and it's unnecessary. The second set of lines I quoted is a case of stating the obvious and wordiness. When you cry on someone's shoulder, them wrapping their arms around you is an image our minds can fill in on their own. You don't need to tell us...crying on a shoulder implies it in itself. Ending that stanza with the simple "I want to cry on his shoulder" is a much more powerful statement, and it's short and sweet.

So, taking all those sorts of things (in addition to other preferences of mine) into account, here's how I personally feel the poem would look, greatly improved:

I want to gaze at the stars with him. You were rather wordy here before, I think it could be simplified like this
Lie on the couch and watch lame movies
and fall asleep in his arms
half-way though. The slight pause in speech after "arms" sounds nice, doesn't it? The line break accentuates that pause.

I want to sleep the day away
in his arms.
I want to hear him say "I love you." Sounds better to end this stanza with the suspense of your hidden response to "I love you," though we of course know what you'd say anyway

I want to see his smile each morning
and kiss him as I wake Changed the order here because it was grammatically confusing before
I want to cry on his shoulder
only to have him wrap his arms around my waist.

I want to be the one he kisses. That first line you had here before was really cheesy and a rather large mouthful, let's maybe keep things simpler
Be the first thing he sees each morning,
the last thing he sees before falling asleep.
The one in his dreams.

I want to dance in the rain with him,
Dance in puddles, dance in droplets,
Laughing and smiling,
and then, cuddle up in blankets to dry off.
I want to make him smile. This stanza was almost perfect, and it was your major attention-grabber. It needed to end with a short punch.

Take him to be my one and only
and cherish him day by day.
I love him. The rhyme you had here at first was quite silly. Even with ending this with something as perfectly ending-ish as "I love him," I'm still not sure it's the best way to end it. Work with various endings here, you never know what might really work. Hell, if you really want to, I think you could eliminate this whole stanza. The last line in the previous one makes for a damn good place to stop.

My personal notes to help are in red, as you probably guessed.

Remember, I'm not telling you how to write your own poem, I'm just giving you possible suggestions on tightening it up into a solid, totally done piece, and shaking out all that unnecessary wordiness.

My philosophy of poetry: never tell more than you need to. Your reader's mind should be allowed to roam a bit...to fill in the sweet images with his or her own extra bit of sugar. So don't worry over getting those redundant and wordy details in. Less is more.

You're improving, Aki. When I first read your poetry on this site, it wasn't nearly as interesting, as palpable, or as real. Be honest to yourself and to your readers, and you will always find your way. But most of all, keep writing...and keep reading, too.

[pink_lotus]

aww so romantic