Satisfaction of the Woman Contraption

[SpinSunset]

She stole away, in the corner of her mind

Creeping about she tried to find

The feeling she’d lost, the feeling that died

On that harsh summer’s night, when she never cried.

-----

He took my hand and lead me astray

Down the spiral of lust, down the tunnel away.

With a pressing palm and a single phrase he said,

‘Lay down that pretty head.”


He whispers in my ear, ‘Stay calm, be still’

But my arms wrap around him against my will

To be torn apart as soon as we connect

The pain in my face he doesn’t detect.


I wonder to the sky

As the world passes by

And ask for a reprieve

To counter his deceive.



He tells me his feelings to ensure that I stay

So silent I echo I am his prey

He kisses with promise and grins down at me

Stringing his pledge that we’ll always be.



I question to him the hurt and betrayal

He looks at me with the answer, ‘So frail.

You let me do this because you’re weak.

This thing called ‘love’ you always seek.



Its nothing but lies and hollow smiles

We men put together as long as miles

To get what we want, to get the satisfaction

Of knowing we own the woman contraption.’

-----

She sits defected in the recesses of her mind

Still gazing around for that feeling to find.

To realized that its gone forever, it died

On that harsh summer’s night, when she never cried.

[suigintou]

Pretty nice piece, though some of the rhymes are slightly forced...just slightly, though, don't worry too much. Your "big hit" here is your two last lines where the "woman contraption" comes out in the boy's quote. The woman contraption...that's a very interesting way of putting it. Very nice.

My main issue with this piece is the bookends...your first and last stanzas, which are of course taking place later than everything else. Don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but I don't think this poem needs them. I think the middle section is the only thing here that's really important to the piece. It flows better, it's more emotive and easier to connect to, and it doesn't have the cliche factor as much (well, other than the meter scheme you chose, that's cliche all on its own but it's forgivable, you used it well enough).

So basically, if this was my poem, I'd take out the first and last stanzas entirely. But obviously, that's just me. You do what you want with it...it's your poem.

Keep writing, you have a lot of promise. :3

[Zero Ichi]

this is really good, almost makes me feel unwanted in this thread, but hey its a good piece, it'd be terrible to not say its good

[SpinSunset]

Originally Posted by suigintou

My main issue with this piece is the bookends...your first and last stanzas, which are of course taking place later than everything else. Don't mean to sound harsh or anything, but I don't think this poem needs them. I think the middle section is the only thing here that's really important to the piece. It flows better, it's more emotive and easier to connect to, and it doesn't have the cliche factor as much (well, other than the meter scheme you chose, that's cliche all on its own but it's forgivable, you used it well enough).

Thanks for the criticism. It’s always well received.

I feel with my writing there must always come a warning. I am not a friendly writer. I do often tend to write about things that are taboo or obscure. I never expect for my writing to reach other people on a personal level. (Well not most people.) If someone happens to connect to it, great! If not well I do (as most writers do) write for myself.

What I wanted to convey here was a girl who had lost one of the most important feelings that you invest in other people: trust. I wanted to show that she is trying to look for this feeling but she finds this memory instead. As she remembers what happened, she realizes that she can’t recover it and retreats back into herself. She’s basically trying to break down the walls she built up around her. Those are the purposes for the bookends. To show the beginning and the after of a moment within herself.

As for the meter scheme well, to each his own. I will admit some of the rhymes were forced due to the fact that this poem just came out in this pattern, so I did have to make revisions when all was said and done.

Again, thank you for your comment and I hope you continue to express yourself to me in this manner in the future with other pieces I happen to put up here.