I Stand Alone

[~nekochan~]

I stand alone, both tall and true
The perfect picture of solitude
The soul of a woman encased in bark
With limbs that move in a majestic arc
Alone I faced the storms of life
The wind and rain, disease and strife
Others gave up but no, not I
And there I stand for all to see
I've had my shares of troubles and woes
But I made it through and still I grow
Like others, I too know grief and pain
I've faced the wind, I've felt the rain
But unlike them, I will stand tall
Though life may beat me, I will not fall
It may throw punches, I may take the blow
But in the end, I too shall grow
Each storm increases my strength
And beneath this skin, my soul's to thank
The elm and I, we know what to do
We count on ourselves and make it through

[Sixxty]

I've been reading your poetry on here and its all really good, and gets a little better with each thread. I especially love the theme you chose for these, and i can relate to this one.

Keep up the great work neko-chan!

[savke1989]

are you really writing this?
I'm amazed :">

[suigintou]

Whoa whoa whoa, your rhyme scheme confuses me, ma'am. Full rhymes thrown in at random intervals, slant rhymes here and there for no apparent reason...make up your mind.

Your breaks are audible when you read it aloud, but not visible. So why not use stanza breaks, then? Might as well go with 5 quatrains.

There are other things that need reworking, like redundancy (no need for "both" in the first line), typos (majestic...arc? make = may?), nonsensical verb-subject agreement (rain and wind do not stand, dear), and other misc. things.

By the way, the last four lines...not necessary. We already have our resolution, "I too shall grow," and it essentially ends on that line...the last four just drag it out unnecessarily.

Overall, I can definitely say you're improving. Just work more carefully, pay more attention to how your poem actually sounds, incorporating any possible breaks, rhymes, etc....and keep writing. A nice piece, even if personified trees are nothing new. Your voice can help make it new.

Suigintou's typical poetry disclaimer: nothing I said was meant offensively and I'm critiquing as honestly as I can without making an essay.

[~nekochan~]

Originally Posted by suigintou

Whoa whoa whoa, your rhyme scheme confuses me, ma'am. Full rhymes thrown in at random intervals, slant rhymes here and there for no apparent reason...make up your mind.

Your breaks are audible when you read it aloud, but not visible. So why not use stanza breaks, then? Might as well go with 5 quatrains.

There are other things that need reworking, like redundancy (no need for "both" in the first line), typos (majestic...arc? make = may?), nonsensical verb-subject agreement (rain and wind do not stand, dear), and other misc. things.

By the way, the last four lines...not necessary. We already have our resolution, "I too shall grow," and it essentially ends on that line...the last four just drag it out unnecessarily.

Overall, I can definitely say you're improving. Just work more carefully, pay more attention to how your poem actually sounds, incorporating any possible breaks, rhymes, etc....and keep writing. A nice piece, even if personified trees are nothing new. Your voice can help make it new.

Suigintou's typical poetry disclaimer: nothing I said was meant offensively and I'm critiquing as honestly as I can without making an essay.

kowai!! >.< ur scaring me with big words!!! xD ok ok, but to be honest, i only understood about 1/3 of wat u just said >.>

[suigintou]

Originally Posted by ~nekochan~

kowai!! >.< ur scaring me with big words!!! xD ok ok, but to be honest, i only understood about 1/3 of wat u just said >.>

Uh, okay, what didn't you understand? I can try to say things another way.

Also, I dunno what "kowai" means.

[~nekochan~]

Originally Posted by suigintou

. Full rhymes thrown in at random intervals, slant rhymes here and there for no apparent reason...make up your mind.

Your breaks are audible when you read it aloud, but not visible. So why not use stanza breaks, then? Might as well go with 5 quatrains.

There are other things that need reworking, like redundancy (no need for "both" in the first line), typos (majestic...arc? make = may?), nonsensical verb-subject agreement (rain and wind do not stand, dear), and other misc. things.

incorporating any possible breaks, rhymes, etc....

thats all i didnt understand ^^ kowai means scary btw ^^

[suigintou]

Allow me to translate, then:

Full rhyming is rhyming a sound entirely...like clad, had, sad...slant rhyming is sort of rhyming, but not quite. Like your woes and grow. Both full rhymes and slant rhymes are used best if they're done in a pattern that we can see, rather than just being thrown in at random like you did. You switch rhymes for slant rhymes here and there and you don't seem to give us any reason.

By your "breaks," I mean your pauses...read it aloud and it should read as if there are stanza breaks (blank spaces between stanzas, where you're meant to pause) in there, like this:

I stand alone, both tall and true
The perfect picture of solitude
The soul of a woman encased in bark
With limbs that move in a majestic arc

Alone I faced the storms of life
The wind and rain, disease and strife
Others gave up but no, not I
And there I stand for all to see

But of course, you didn't write it like that. I think you should.

And a "quatrain" is a stanza made up of four lines, by the way. It's a very standard, very easy-flowing system of stanzas.

By redundancy, I mean saying something twice or more, when you don't need to. You list two things in that line, so you don't need to say "both." By your typo, I meant that fourth line...don't you mean "majestic arc" there, since it rhymes, and since there's clearly a word missing? By verb-subject agreement, I mean that your verb, "stand" does not make sense when put together with "wind and rain," because those things do not stand...a tree does stand, yes, but it cannot stand like wind and rain, because wind does not stand and neither does rain.

[SkY93]

Originally Posted by savke1989

are you really writing this?
I'm amazed :">

This is not bad , not bad at all.... your really good

[Hinata816]

That was so deep i can relate