The enormous adventure

[Koopaking]

So I was digging through my old stuff a while ago and I unearthed a story I had begun working on a few years ago... back in the deep dark abyss of 2006. I was bored, and I felt like writing something very silly. So now, I bring it to all of you, posting it chapter by chapter as I transfer it from paper to computer, in the original unedited format! Go ahead, laugh at it or call it inane, that was kind of my purpose. Now then...

THE ENORMOUS ADVENTURE by Koopaking

This is the Prologue

Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom filled with generic openings for stories, there lived no one of great importance. And they all died because they were not important. This is irrelevant to anything. These words were only printed to waste space. Well, it is not irrelevant if you care about such things as magic kingdoms, or large amounts of people dying.
Anyway, you look lovely today. Are those new shoes? Sit down, please have some beverages. I have tea, soda, and hair tonic. Which would you prefer?
Enough about you, let's talk about me. I am the greatest.
Oh yes, this reminds me of a tale that my friend told my aunt. It is such a tedious story. Ahem...

Chapter 1

Sam woke up in an outhouse. It was rather dirty, with small remnants of fecal matter stuck to the walls, like midgets clinging onto a ball of yarn.
Sam got up, scratched his nose, opened the door, and stepped outside. He walked off a tall ledge and fell to his death. Ha ha, gotcha!
Sam walked out to find a small village. It had many lovely houses that were decorated with colors so unimaginably hideous that Sam fell to the ground in pain. You would too if you saw them.
"Oh, Rupert, look at that corpse!" exclaimed a person walking by.
"It is lovely!" answered Rupert. Well, it was not possible to tell if it was Rupert at that particular point in time. I have researched for years trying to find the identity of the person who answered "It is lovely!", but I have been unable to determine who actually said it. I suspect arson.
Suddenly, Sam woke up. "Where am I?" he asked the mystery man.
"Your mom's house!" he answered before disappearing with a dull <pop!>. Sam stared down at the ground.
"I believe I can help you sir!" said some person off screen.

Chapter II

A doughnut, yes a doughnut, walked up to Sam. "Good morning!" it shouted. Sam was confused. It was clearly at least 7pm.
"Er... good morning," said Sam. Of course, if Sam had answered "The moon is quite bright as well!" the doughnut would have sent him home, as it was a secret code to answer in this way. Alas, Sam did not say that, so the doughnut continued.
"My name is Senator Cornflakes," said Senator Cornflakes. "But you may call me Ty." How one gets Ty out of Senator Cornflakes I'll never know, but then Ty told Sam he wanted him to go on an enormous adventure.
"I want you to go on an enormous adventure," said Ty, "I know how to get you back to your realm, but you should go on an enormous adventure first. Do you understand what I am telling you?"
Sam thoughtfully nodded his head several times. "No," Sam said, "I do not understand."
"Yes..." said Ty. "I thought as much. They told me you were dumb. Ahem - If... you... go... on... enormous... adventure... me... send... you... home. You... understand... now?"
Sam scowled and shook his head. "Yes," he said, "I understand completely."
"Excellent!" exclaimed Ty. He got out a bag and opened it with some difficulty. He gave a small orange to Sam. "You will be faced with difficult challenges and unfathomable horrors. Now, turn around and proceed."
Sam turned around and saw a large entrance way that read: ENORMOUS ADVENTURE LAND.