Just another poem.

[Shield.Me]

Pitiful being of Manipulation
Your world suddenly falls apart
Time to make your transformation
One of Mind not of Heart

Illusions blind what's true
Fear of fear of fear of fear
But I know the real you
Always saying what they wanna hear

Living reality in your head
Needing blame to come to hault
'Cause tainted in every tear you shed
The name of another at fault

When it's YOU who makes YOU dead.

(about a "bestfriend" who's done me wrong and is quick to judge others but can't see her own faults. Tell me what you think, please.)

[Orangeii]

i think it's cool. well done.

[Shield.Me]

thanx

[fejknick]

That was a really good one.
I love the whole illusion thing. Makes me think about our holographic world and how people think its them who thinks but its all planted thought.

9/10. Keep it up.

[suigintou]

Doesn't "living reality" in her head imply that she's living the real world mentally (instead of the false one she makes for herself), and therefore knows what she's doing wrong? You sort of contradicted yourself.

Also, is "hault" a typo? Because they way you used it doesn't really make sense, and it's an adjective anyway. I'm assuming you meant "halt."

All things considered, this is a fairly decent piece. Sort of confusing in your word choice and abstract judgment of your friend's thought process in the last stanza, but I can at least see what you meant to say...I think. The rhyme is forced pretty roughly with no real other structure lending to it, but oh well...I'll give this piece the benefit of the doubt and call it "free verse" (even though it's probably not).

I must say though, "fear of fear of fear of fear" is a strong line...much stronger than anything else in the piece, to the point where it's the center of the poem and everything else sort of fades in importance.

Oh, and I should mention that your first stanza was overall better than the other ones. This is pretty common...I like to call it the "first thought syndrome." It set it up, and started sending it home...especially since your best rhyme attempt is there.

Kudos for good use of the word "transformation," which is very catchy to the ear.

Above all else, keep writing. Through perseverance, we create art.

[Shield.Me]

Originally Posted by suigintou

Doesn't "living reality" in her head imply that she's living the real world mentally (instead of the false one she makes for herself), and therefore knows what she's doing wrong? You sort of contradicted yourself.

Also, is "hault" a typo? Because they way you used it doesn't really make sense, and it's an adjective anyway. I'm assuming you meant "halt."

All things considered, this is a fairly decent piece. Sort of confusing in your word choice and abstract judgment of your friend's thought process in the last stanza, but I can at least see what you meant to say...I think. The rhyme is forced pretty roughly with no real other structure lending to it, but oh well...I'll give this piece the benefit of the doubt and call it "free verse" (even though it's probably not).

I must say though, "fear of fear of fear of fear" is a strong line...much stronger than anything else in the piece, to the point where it's the center of the poem and everything else sort of fades in importance.

Oh, and I should mention that your first stanza was overall better than the other ones. This is pretty common...I like to call it the "first thought syndrome." It set it up, and started sending it home...especially since your best rhyme attempt is there.

Kudos for good use of the word "transformation," which is very catchy to the ear.

Above all else, keep writing. Through perseverance, we create art.

Thanks! Finally someone that's NOT afraid to say exactly what they think

[ylaixVK]

To simply put it, I love it :D
Great job!