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10-23-2009
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#1 | ||||||||
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Banned Homo
Location: Delaware
Age: 19
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Clear Sky
I stand out in the rain
And watch you walk away Out of sight Out of mind Out of reach The cold rain pelts my face as I look up Wondering how things could have gone so wrong I'm numb No feeling I won't let myself feel for you again A large raindrop lands on my lips I remember our first kiss Tears well up in my eyes But I won't let them spill over I will let the sky do that for me And soon Soon the rain will stop falling Clear skies once again You will just be another memory |
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10-23-2009
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#2 | ||||||||
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Anime Fuel Veteran
Location: Putting on my rubber glove...
Age: 23
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Aw... Damn... Nice, yet so sad...
And like normal it reminds me of a song... Well done... 8.5/10 |
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10-23-2009
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#3 | ||||||||
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Anime Fuel Veteran
Location: pittsburgh, PA
Age: 23
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this one i can sympathize with so much since i think i have completely lost the one girl i could say 'i love you' to, its a gap that must be crossed, if only it were as easy as the passing of a storm
a great one in my eyes Jessa!
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Theres a reason to why this happened, just give me some time to figure it the f*** out! |
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10-29-2009
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#4 | ||||||||
 Administrator
Location: Michigan
Age: 24
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It's good, but some of the language is a bit plain. Things like tears "welling up" are tired phrases, and "a large raindrop lands on my lips" is especially bland. This poem needs to be a bit more adventurous, I think. Try playing with verbs.
Also, stanza breaks, dear. It's easy to see where they belong, because you have natural pauses that suggest them. So why they aren't there isn't really clear.
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 22 medium-jumbo frets, 3 mini humbuckers, 2 single-coil pickups, and 6 steel strings of pure sex.
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