[Kingesh]

Originally Posted by suigintou

This is good. Definitely, definitely good. It's solid, clean, and has a strong sense of natural suspense. Smooth, driving action - almost too much for just one chapter.

In fact, that's my main problem with this. You might have fed us too much. I mean, I know Ren doesn't know much about the lake, but the fact that she gets sincere input at all within just a single chapter is a bit too fast for my taste. A bit too hurried. My other problem is rather small and much more easily fixed...and that is that your descriptions tend to be a little tired and cliche at times. Not terribly so, but there are some certain physical descriptions that really stick out as "meh" lines. "syrupy sweetness of honey smothered on white bread with peanut butter; the cotton candy smiles" for example. It's just too much cliche in one line. But the mustard bit kinda redeems it.

But as a whole, this is a great draft. Just keep revising to make it even better and seriously consider how fast you want everything to just pour out.

pretty much explains everything, like it though and i cant wait to see more!