It was really good and i think u will become a good author. ;) I enjoyed it and it sounds very interesting. It caught my attention and i couldn't stop reading it. I say u added a bit to much details, but the length of your story was good.
i admit u r better than me. besides, it seems like u were calm and focus. i never really do show my writing and when i do i choke under pressure. if u keep staying calm, you'll be awesome! i know it. Keep writing and don't give up your dream.