The enormous adventure
So I was digging through my old stuff a while ago and I unearthed a story I had begun working on a few years ago... back in the deep dark abyss of 2006. I was bored, and I felt like writing something very silly. So now, I bring it to all of you, posting it chapter by chapter as I transfer it from paper to computer, in the original unedited format! Go ahead, laugh at it or call it inane, that was kind of my purpose. Now then...
THE ENORMOUS ADVENTURE by Koopaking
This is the Prologue
Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom filled with generic openings for stories, there lived no one of great importance. And they all died because they were not important. This is irrelevant to anything. These words were only printed to waste space. Well, it is not irrelevant if you care about such things as magic kingdoms, or large amounts of people dying.
Anyway, you look lovely today. Are those new shoes? Sit down, please have some beverages. I have tea, soda, and hair tonic. Which would you prefer?
Enough about you, let's talk about me. I am the greatest.
Oh yes, this reminds me of a tale that my friend told my aunt. It is such a tedious story. Ahem...
Sam woke up in an outhouse. It was rather dirty, with small remnants of fecal matter stuck to the walls, like midgets clinging onto a ball of yarn.
Sam got up, scratched his nose, opened the door, and stepped outside. He walked off a tall ledge and fell to his death. Ha ha, gotcha!
Sam walked out to find a small village. It had many lovely houses that were decorated with colors so unimaginably hideous that Sam fell to the ground in pain. You would too if you saw them.
"Oh, Rupert, look at that corpse!" exclaimed a person walking by.
"It is lovely!" answered Rupert. Well, it was not possible to tell if it was Rupert at that particular point in time. I have researched for years trying to find the identity of the person who answered "It is lovely!", but I have been unable to determine who actually said it. I suspect arson.
Suddenly, Sam woke up. "Where am I?" he asked the mystery man.
"Your mom's house!" he answered before disappearing with a dull <pop!>. Sam stared down at the ground.
"I believe I can help you sir!" said some person off screen.
A doughnut, yes a doughnut, walked up to Sam. "Good morning!" it shouted. Sam was confused. It was clearly at least 7pm.
"Er... good morning," said Sam. Of course, if Sam had answered "The moon is quite bright as well!" the doughnut would have sent him home, as it was a secret code to answer in this way. Alas, Sam did not say that, so the doughnut continued.
"My name is Senator Cornflakes," said Senator Cornflakes. "But you may call me Ty." How one gets Ty out of Senator Cornflakes I'll never know, but then Ty told Sam he wanted him to go on an enormous adventure.
"I want you to go on an enormous adventure," said Ty, "I know how to get you back to your realm, but you should go on an enormous adventure first. Do you understand what I am telling you?"
Sam thoughtfully nodded his head several times. "No," Sam said, "I do not understand."
"Yes..." said Ty. "I thought as much. They told me you were dumb. Ahem - If... you... go... on... enormous... adventure... me... send... you... home. You... understand... now?"
Sam scowled and shook his head. "Yes," he said, "I understand completely."
"Excellent!" exclaimed Ty. He got out a bag and opened it with some difficulty. He gave a small orange to Sam. "You will be faced with difficult challenges and unfathomable horrors. Now, turn around and proceed."
Sam turned around and saw a large entrance way that read: ENORMOUS ADVENTURE LAND.
Why thank you for the compliment. Yes they are new shoes, just got them today. I'll have tea please, thank you for asking. And yes you are the greatest.
Let's see what greatness the next ingenious chapter will bring.
I know ho said, "It is lovely!". :usagi:
.....woop this reminds me of my work .... an no these are not new shoes ...yes my socks do smell i will leave them at the door ....anyways i brought some Ramen anyone wants some ...no no its not pig its beef .... and i'll have a soda ..hmmmm so lets talk bout you ..so hows ...being a created writer feel like ????
/// I think I will take some soda, and why yes I know My shoes are lovely, I brought them not so long ago. \\\
Koopa, That is incredibly amazing. Hilarious, entertaining and just so full of wonder into what will happen on this adventure. It honestly kept me on my seat reading.
Chapter II - Omg, talking donut! Thats awesome and genius! I am quiet enjoying it~! You are a talented writer when it comes to comedy.
I wanna go to ENORMOUS ADVENTURE LAND! :O
I snickered at "Senator Cornflakes". Honestly, a donut named Senator Cornflakes, but goes by Ty. It's so stupid it's funny.
one question ..."what kind of doughnut" my mind is flipping to a numerous amount of doughnut pictures .....S*gh ...
Same here! I wanna go too!! Senator Cornflakes - Oh yes awesome name. When I have kids - Girl, boy I dont care I am so naming my child that.
Have you ever been to an amusement park before? If you have, well I am terribly, terribly sorry you have had to experience such an atrocity. If you haven't, then please try to avoid them.
Amusement parks usually have all kinds of "fun" activities for the whole family. I still cannot understand how such things as college exams, dish washing, making beds, clipping strangers' toenails, and being forced to eat cabbage can be considered fun. Why they implement such activities in amusement parks is beyond me.
In fact, I once visited an amusement park that had a giant entrance way. If you happened to be holding a small orange while attempting to enter it, you will be transported to a large tissue factory rather than an amusement park.
Once Sam stepped through the entrance way of ENORMOUS ADVENTURE LAND, he was transported to a large tissue factory rather than an amusement park.
"Oh my!" cried Sam, "I've been transported to a large tissue factory rather than an amusement park!"
The large tissue factory that Sam had been transported to rather than an amusement park was large, and was not an amusement park.
"I've been waiting for you," said a very, very, very tall man who was standing behind Sam. "My name is The Extremely Tall Man," said The Extremely Tall Man, "Ty told me to wait here for the one who would be transported to this large tissue factory, rather than an amusement park."
"Wow! You're really tall!" cried Sam.
"It is very impolite to interrupt someone, no matter how tall they are sir!" scolded The Extremely Tall Man. He scowled at Sam. Well, it was hard to tell what kind of face he was making because he was so unimaginably tall.
"I am here to help you in your enormous quest... er... adventure. Come with me Sam," said The Extremely Tall Man.
"You know my name?!?" cried Sam.
"Again!" shouted The Extremely Tall Man, "DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!!!!! I WILL PWN U N00b h4XX0rz!!!!!"
Sam quickly shut up. Very quickly.
"Follow me," continued The Extremely Tall Man, "To begin the adventure, we must escape this large tissue factory, which you were transported to rather than an amusement park."
And so they journeyed out of the horrible tissue factory. It was fraught with danger, peril, tragedy, romance, and squishibly soft Kleenex.
"Wow!" gasped Sam upon emerging from the factory exit, "That was so exciting it only took two sentences to describe it!"
"Yes," replied The Extremely Tall Man, "And it will only take one sentence to desribe our current location."
They were in a desert.
"A tissue factory in the middle of a desert?" said Sam.
"Upon further inspection you will find that it is not sand that you are standing on," said The Extremely Tall Man.
"You're right, it's not sand," said Sam as he inspected the powdery substance, "It is actually evaporated milk! Interesting phenomenon... I bet it would be bad if it rained here."
The precise instant Sam said that, it began to rain. Water started pouring down in torrents, as if the heavens were having the runs. The evaporated milk suddenly became milk, sweeping Sam and The Extremely Tall Man away in its deadly currents.
"This is bad!" screamed Sam, "But at least we're in a wide open desert and not a giant glass we would drown in!"
The precise instant Sam said that, a giant glass scooped up Sam and The Extremely Tall Man, along with millions of gallons of milk.
"This is bad!" screamed Sam, "But at least the milk isn't sour!"
The precise instant Sam said that, all the milk turned sour.
"Any more suggestions?!?!" yelled The Extremely Tall Man.
"No!" screamed Sam over the rushing milk, "I don't think it could get any worse than spinning around in a giant glass of sour milk. Unless there was some kind of sea monster or something in it."
The precise instant Sam said that, an enormous polka-dotted five-eyed Kraken broke the surface of the milk with a mighty force.
"This is bad!" cried The Extremely Tall Man, "I hope all of this stops!"
And then it all stopped. There was a loud CRACK! and the pair were standing on a large mushroom overlooking a serene artic landscape.
"Whew!" whewed Sam.
"We have reachd the next of the next phase of the previous portion of our enormous adventure!" said the Extremely Tall Man.
I have noticed a significant similarity in this story to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Both are pure genius.
Chapter The Fifth
"Where to now?" asked Sam.
"Down there, duh!" replied the Extremely Tall Man.
"But we're on a mushroom approximately fifty stories tall! However will we get down there?"
"How will you get down there?" said The Extremely Tall Man, and he pushed Sam off the mushroom. "You will meet my twin brother at the bottom, should you somehow survive this fall!"
It took a very long time for Sam to reach the bottom. He finally landed face first in a snow drift. Unfortunately, his arm was caught by a sharp rock, snapping his entire right appendage off.
"MY ARM!!!" shrieked Sam.
Sam curled up into a fetal position and began to cry like a little baby.
"Stop crying!" said a man behind Sam. Sam turned around to see that the man was incredibly short.
"My name is The Incredibly Short Man," said the Incredibly Short Man.
And that's it. The story is unfinished. That is all I wrote. Toodles.
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