Daddys's Girl

[Salt]

Seems we have a lot of poets here. I wish the creative writing board at my other forum was as active as this one. >_<

Daddy's Girl

When I saw your ironed shirt I
thought of diners
thought of wine
thought of stains that need some cleaning.

The shirt, bright blue and button-up,
made him look just like a model
grinning gold. GQ in the flesh.
Our waitress' craving eyes agreed.

A glance, at first, and followed by
a smile, and then, when she looked up
to ask what drink we'd each decide
he asked, in turn, for her advice.

Her eyes shifted toward me as she
quietly giggled out "Merlot."
His wink answered for both of us,,
and whens he'd gone he winked at me.

The wine arrived. She filled his glass
with scarlet shades that matched her lips.
Her hand elsewhere, she poured my drink,
and grasped the hidden note he passed.

He looked at me through toilet bowls,
twin pools of blue filled up with brown.
Porcelain charm was sign enough:
concern for me had long been flushed.

The waitress moved, her cheeks blushed red.
His hand, caught in her apron, jerked.
His arm slid across the table.
His sleeve soaked up the spilling wine.

I left him there in that stained shirt
that looked like yours
that looked so clean
that looked like one I'd want to iron.

Now it's your shirts that I care for,
your laundry, Dad, I gladly press.
And just between the both of us,
I'm glad you favor beer the best.

[suigintou]

You're quite a good poet, you know that? It's not often I get to read something on this forum that I can genuinely call "polished." Because there's really nothing bad I can say about this piece.

Was that loose rhyme at the end intended? It's not a bad thing, it just seems slightly out of place. Doesn't take any points away from the overall piece though.

This is subtle, sincere, and it flows beautifully, albeit a tiny bit disjointed and uninteresting at times. But like I said, it's sincere. A simple recalling of a past event linked to a modern observation...typical, yet performed well.

In short, this poem is not unique, but regardless, it's quite good. Keep up the good work.

[Salt]

Thanks for the review. This was actually an experimental piece for me (I took a poetry class this semester, and had little prior poetry-writing experience). It is also entirely fictitious, if that means anything to you.

The rhyming in the last stanza was only partially intended. I just sort of let the poem go where it went, I think, at least in terms of the rhyme scheme; I probably left that stanza the way it was because I thought it wrapped up the message nicely, and added to the humorous twist in the poem's tone.

What I was attempting to do, at least to some degree, was keep the observations and actions mentioned in the poem focused on the important bits of the date, as opposed to overloading it with exposition on everything that happened (in a plot-progression sort of way). The poem is formed out of a memory, and highlights are what spark in our memories more often than whole events.

Thanks again. :)