You Don't Know Jack

[Holly-Sama]

It's half past midnight
And I'm waiting by the streetlight
It's awfully eerie here
Oh so lonely, dear
I'm a madman and a half.

I see you from afar
Behind this door ajar
I beckon you to come
No harm will be done
Now come closer, closer.

Don't be frightened love
My flightless, little dove
There's no need to scream
It's just another scheme
To put this knife to your throat.

With a flick of the wrist
I give this love a fatal twist
Though tonight you die
Tomorrow I fly
Far, far away from here.

[Rincewind]

:O that was dark and gloomy, but still kinda cool ^^

[LoKiWorlD]

Job Well Done!! It was very creative...

[Raven]

What an elegant view into a tormented mind, I liked it and thought you showed a clean path through the thought process.

[Ryuuzaki]

Wow! Great job, Holly-sama. I may not be one for dark, gloomy, death poems, but it fits well being almost Halloween. Again, great job, I really enjoyed reading it.

[Holly-Sama]

Thanks, everyone. I also thought it would be a great poem for Halloween. :3

[Areku]

Totally amazing, I love that kind of writing. Now don't get jealous guys.. but.. I think you're my favorite writer here sshh.

[atomsk]

you dont know jack........... i swear to god ive heard that before

[KiriJolith]

Very nice poem Holly! It's dark and kinda mysterious. Good job!

[Holly-Sama]

Aw, thanks again, guys. I feel speshul~

:3

[Ariya]

Very nice. Seems like something I would write. Alas, I'm on a terrible writer's block.

[suigintou]

My favorite of yours thus far. This is more straightforward and less...eh, clunky than your other work. Not really a good word, but it's the only way I can think of to describe your bumpiness of your other work. But this is much more ironed out.

Your first stanza is better than the rest of the poem by a longshot. The rest doesn't even compare to the elegance of the first. The simple motions, the clean rhyme, and the best line of the whole piece- "I'm a madman and a half." Reminds me of an Elton John line..."I'm a madman, don't you know?"

My only criticism is your rhyme inconsistency. Most of your rhymes are solid and are almost "exact" rhymes...but you've got ones in there that rhyme more loosely, among those that are more solid. That doesn't really make sense for something as lyrical as this is. Were you a bit strained on finding rhyme words, perhaps? That's why I very, very, very rarely ever do rhyme poems.

But regardless, very nice work. Keep writing, as always. :3

[Rincewind]

You should publish it in DeviantART , you even get it copyrighted then :O and you can share it with thousands if not millions of other members ^^::D:

[suigintou]

You should publish it in DeviantART , you even get it copyrighted then :O and you can share it with thousands if not millions of other members ^^::D:

DeviantART doesn't exactly give the sort of protection on art, literary or visual, that one would want. Just because DeviantART slaps a copyright symbol on something doesn't mean someone won't just as easily steal it and publish it with a real copyright. You know, like in a book, anthology, etc.

She's free to put it on there if she wants, but I really hope nobody else actually thinks that dA protects one's work well at all.

Oh, and writing on dA doesn't get much exposure unless the person also has visual art, because almost every user there is there mostly just for the visual art. If she was going to put it somewhere online, she'd obviously be a lot better off with somewhere that actually focuses on literature. A couple people I know use Fictionpress.

[Rincewind]

DeviantART doesn't exactly give the sort of protection on art, literary or visual, that one would want. Just because DeviantART slaps a copyright symbol on something doesn't mean someone won't just as easily steal it and publish it with a real copyright. You know, like in a book, anthology, etc.

She's free to put it on there if she wants, but I really hope nobody else actually thinks that dA protects one's work well at all.

Oh, and writing on dA doesn't get much exposure unless the person also has visual art, because almost every user there is there mostly just for the visual art. If she was going to put it somewhere online, she'd obviously be a lot better off with somewhere that actually focuses on literature. A couple people I know use Fictionpress.
Yeah, I know, but DA is a good start.... And I bet you noticed Holly-sama does some photoshopping ^^ i.e art.

[Holly-Sama]

xD Maybe a little Photoshop. I'm still new to it though. Thanks.

[meraychan]

great one..it's very nice...^_^

[kuristar]

nice work... its great ^_^