View Full Version : A dream I had made into poetry
10-18-2008, 04:59 AM
Running down a hallway scared and you don't know why
The raceing darkness makes me want to cry
Not thinking about looking to see who is there
Who ever it is its my life he won't spare
at the end of the hall lies a large seal path
I run at it with force and wrath
doing anything to move it out of my way
the figure is approching I don't know what to say
my knees start to tremble my heart starts to race
I'm not sure my blood can keep up the pace
As the darkness cleared I could clearly see
That dark figure was........
10-18-2008, 05:15 AM
Wow, such powerful! I like it alot.
10-18-2008, 05:21 AM
Thank you very much
10-18-2008, 05:31 AM
I think your use of ellipses is a little weird. Three periods is more than sufficient if you're going to do that...the way you do it makes it look like we're supposed to read every single period with suspense. The problem is that the eye just sorta skips them and moves to the next line automatically anyway, so it's unnecessary to have such a huge delay.
I think this is an improvement over the last poem of yours I read, though. I can tell you really forced those rhymes, though, unfortunately. It seems unnaturally strained. But if that's what you were going for, then whatever.
"large seal path"...what? What is that supposed to mean? If we can't really understand your lines, it sorta ruins the poem.
Regardless, just keep working on it. It's nice to see you keep working.
10-18-2008, 07:40 AM
Sealed** sorry bout that
10-18-2008, 09:12 AM
great poem :D
10-19-2008, 02:10 AM
Yes.. great poem indeed! Creative idea as well.. turning a dream into a poem.
10-19-2008, 11:23 PM
I just decoded to do it out of nothing except that dream
10-19-2008, 11:48 PM
Nice. Dreams can be really inspiring.
10-19-2008, 11:56 PM
wow...you said that was a dream right? it must have been scary, but at the end of the poem, it made me chuckle(no offense), but i understand. you can be afraid of your self sometimes.
10-19-2008, 11:58 PM
yes...very much so
10-22-2008, 02:10 PM
Nice job stanmarsh! it's a big improvement over your last one.
10-30-2008, 10:11 PM
AWESOME!!!! I can't think of any other description for it!!!
11-21-2008, 02:04 AM
Lane, I love all your peoms, but this was my fav!!!!!!!! Your writtings fill me with both joy and sadness! !!!!!!!
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