Hate

[stanmarsh]

3rd poem
Hate
My useless life is full of Hate
all alone i'll sit and wait
for an exit of all thease fears
Untill then i'll cry thease tears
Life without love is full of pain
Hate is a way to mask it
because none of us can hardley grasp it
like an immoveable object in my way
in the end ill surley pay
for all the hate that I have caused
I wish I could put my life on paulse

I was'nt to happy with this one but i though what the hell

[fazenda]

Life without love is full of pain(a poem about pain shouldn't be about love)Hate is a way to mask it(so your a jerk because your in pain)because none of us can hardley grasp it (again you are saying you want love)for all the hate that I have caused
I wish I could put my life on paulse(it was ok but this could mean suicide)

it was an ok poem the first time i read it

[quietchat]

It's kinda.... meh. Poetic writing is hard to do now adays because the intensly masterful works of Egar Allen Poe and other writers have perfected the depressive kinds of works with their tales and childhoods beinging about fears of demons and hell, where as today everyone sees the same things. It's too relatable.

[stanmarsh]

Ill admit its not my best so far

[suigintou]

If you're going to write poetry, please try not to butcher the language you're writing it in. Proper spelling and such would really help your writing. It's so riddled with errors that it's hard to enjoy it.

Also, your rhyming seems rather forced. Your meter is all messed up because of your struggle to rhyme. The problem is that with your first line you give us the impression that you're going for a certain rhythm, but then you drop it later.

Also, with "Hate is a way to mask it," or perhaps even the line above it, it feels like you should've created a space and made the rest into another stanza or perhaps even two others.

Another tip: try some more interesting diction. There aren't really any words in your poem that are eye-catching or anything. Simplicity is fine, but hate isn't a simple theme, so there's a bit of a contradiction. After all, when you're using a theme like this, where it's been battered to death by so many poets before you, you've got to give your poem a way to stick out from the crowd, and so far you're not doing that.

Not trying to be mean or anything...just trying to offer some constructive criticism. Whether or not you use my suggestions is up to you, because it's your poem after all. Just keep writing, above all else.

[stanmarsh]

okie dokie

[Dolly]

From a biased view, I can't say I'm much a fan of pessimistic writing. But in any case, I liked the rhyme scheme.

[stanmarsh]

still its not my best i've done better

[KiriJolith]

If you're going to write poetry, please try not to butcher the language you're writing it in. Proper spelling and such would really help your writing. It's so riddled with errors that it's hard to enjoy it.

Also, your rhyming seems rather forced. Your meter is all messed up because of your struggle to rhyme. The problem is that with your first line you give us the impression that you're going for a certain rhythm, but then you drop it later.

Also, with "Hate is a way to mask it," or perhaps even the line above it, it feels like you should've created a space and made the rest into another stanza or perhaps even two others.

Another tip: try some more interesting diction. There aren't really any words in your poem that are eye-catching or anything. Simplicity is fine, but hate isn't a simple theme, so there's a bit of a contradiction. After all, when you're using a theme like this, where it's been battered to death by so many poets before you, you've got to give your poem a way to stick out from the crowd, and so far you're not doing that.

Not trying to be mean or anything...just trying to offer some constructive criticism. Whether or not you use my suggestions is up to you, because it's your poem after all. Just keep writing, above all else.

seriously man. I've gotta agree with suigintou, your rhyme scheme isn't really that good, and it just doesn't flow very well.

[stanmarsh]

Bleeding and As i lay dying were better

[Holly-Sama]

As long as what you write is truly how you feel, then what should it matter that your meter's a little off or that two words don't rhyme so well? I think your poem is fine.

Keep writing!

[suigintou]

As long as what you write is truly how you feel, then what should it matter that your meter's a little off or that two words don't rhyme so well? I think your poem is fine.

Keep writing!

As someone who's been writing poetry for years, I can safely say that it feels a lot better to write something well and have it be what I really "feel" than to have a disaster of a poem and still have it be what I feel.

Besides, when you present poetry to other people, you should have revised it first. You don't send unrevised work to a publisher, so why would you post it online?

And of course you should always expect to be given critique when you post things like this online.

[Holly-Sama]

I don't think writing five paragraphs about a small poem is critiquing. Honestly, I think it's a little much. And he's just submitting his poem on a forum and not to some big name publisher. He could fix the spelling mistakes, but there is no rule book to writing poetry. If he's satisfied with it, that's all that matters.


And who are you to say that his poem is a disaster? I would rather read something grammatically incorrect and heartfelt rather than a bunch of shallow words that are correct in both grammar and spelling.

[suigintou]

I don't think writing five paragraphs about a small poem is critiquing. Honestly, I think it's a little much. And he's just submitting his poem on a forum and not to some big name publisher. He could fix the spelling mistakes, but there is no rule book to writing poetry. If he's satisfied with it, that's all that matters.


And who are you to say that his poem is a disaster? I would rather read something grammatically incorrect and heartfelt rather than a bunch of shallow words that are correct in both grammar and spelling.

Of course there's no real rules (except for distinguishing poetry and prose, but that's another story). I was just giving suggestions. I told him to feel free to choose whether to use them or not.

I dunno about you, but when I write something and want critique, I want as much as possible. More input equals more possibilities.

And I never said his was a disaster, by the way. I said it was better for me not to have a disaster. I'm using my own experiences to come up with the ways I critique.

Really, you criminalize me too much. I was just giving simple suggestions, not jabbing his eyes with a pointy stick.

[stanmarsh]

well i like input and i like to get better at my poetry but im really just starting to write it i've only written three out of my own will so I'm just a beginner

[Holly-Sama]

It just sounded a little discouraging. When I critique, I like to throw in a few good words about whatever I'm critiquing. That way, it doesn't sound like I'm trying to bash their work.

I didn't mean to sound like I was criminalizing you. I'm just big on 'free-spirited' creative writing and the like. However, I'm big on writing grammatically correct and spelling correctly when it comes to everything else. I for one don't like to make mistakes when I write, but that's just me.

[Tsukiko]

I liked it..... and it's only your third one. That's great. Don't worry, the more you do it, the more you learn..... and the more you'll love it ^_^ Waiting on the 4th one ^_^

[jyuukai]

3rd poem
Hate
My useless life is full of Hate
all alone i'll sit and wait
for an exit of all thease fears
Untill then i'll cry thease tears
Life without love is full of pain
Hate is a way to mask it
because none of us can hardley grasp it
like an immoveable object in my way
in the end ill surley pay
for all the hate that I have caused
I wish I could put my life on paulse

I was'nt to happy with this one but i though what the hell

Quite a good poem, it makes my inner emo tingle...

[stanmarsh]

Thakz JYuukai

[aya143]

DUDE no ones alone..........think!..........

[Solinari]

Very nice stanmarsh!!!! I really like poetry, and this one is a very well written in my opinion. it flows, and everything works in it. lots of emotion. good job!

[runt32a]

thats good i like it

[Zieghart]

Your Really GOOD!!! ^.^