27 and still at home.

[halo]

Okay so here's the thing. Yes I have lived on my own numerous times, I have a mom who is sick about 70% of the time, and in pain during that and the rest of the 30% of the time. Its gotten to a point where even with me half way across the states going to school or working a good job, she ends up in the Hospital and pleads for me to come back. Giving me guilt trips saying that she very well could die on me. So I end up coming back, I end up getting reeled right back here. It doesn't matter where I am in the world, I was even in another country once when she ended up in the hospital and I had to move back in with her to help take care of her. I love her very much and I enjoy helping her but I also need to live my own life and start my own life. I try to express to her that she holds me back, because the moment I start getting on with my life she reels me back again with her being sick, or in the hospital, or needing someone to take care of her. I honestly am not sure what to do any more. I am growing tired of the guilt trips. Tired of the what ifs. I have actually kept myself from getting married once in my past because of her.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? How to get her to just let go of me?

Currently I have moved back in with her because she needed someone to help around the house and because they were having difficulties paying their rent and the rest of their bills so now I am here again, giving them $500 a month to help out with everything and paying for lots of special treats for her rather often as well as buying my own stuff.

What can I do? I mean shes with my step-dad but he works a lot and when hes not working she can scarcely get him to help her or take care of her. Should I hire a nurse for her? Is that my responsibility?

HELP!

[Ariya]

I would sit down and talk to her about the problem. Tell her that you'd like to start living on your own, how you feel about what's going on, and hopefully she'll understand. Ask her about hiring a caretaker or a nurse to watch over her. Make a deal with her, like you'll stay with her one week a month or something like that, so she feels more comfortable.

[Corwin]

I've known some people like this, they can't leave you alone regardless of what happens, even if you get her a caretaker you're still going to get the guilt trips to come back, in a way it's a form of flattery in that she doesn't think she can live w/o you, but I know it's a pain in the ass too, b/c even when you've done all that you should and can, you're still guilt tripped into trying to do more like you're being neglectful, the way to deal is to tell her you love her, but that you're going to live your own life, and if she can't be happy w/ that, it's her problem, you worry about her but you can't stay tied down to one place waiting for her to get better or die which might take another 10-20 years, if she let's you get out now she might have a chance to actually have and hold her grandchildren before the end, I know it sounds callous but you have to act uncaring in a nice way, my mom used to guilt me w/ crap all the time too like that, especially when my parents got divorced, it took me a while, but I learned how to deal w/ her

[halo]

Good advice here. Thank you both. I have it in the plans to be moving back to California in about four months. I haven't told her yet because I don't want the next four months to be all hectic and bad just because I am moving. I think I will wait probably until its two months away and then sit down and have that talk with her. I need to do it, and you are right Corwin, if she doesn't let me go soon then she wont have a chance to hold her own grandchildren. She wants grandchildren so badly, and yet, how am I to do that if I can't even get away from her enough to get married? *Laughs* Thank you both!! It was good to get this off of my chest. Now I just have to continue in taking the steps to get out of here and do it in a way that I don't leave them hurting. I am planning on leaving them with three months of assistance so I need to save 1500 for that as well as the money for the move, first and last months rent for when I get there, and the money for the start up of all my bills such as the internet (which I cannot go without hehe)

[Corwin]

Hey that's why I used the simple expedient of not telling my mom when I moved, I waited until she left for work, then got my stuff the hell out of the house, turned off my cell for the next week and was happy

[halo]

*Giggles* Wow. My mom would go crazy if I did that to her, but it might teach her a lesson. I know theres been times where my phone has died, and Ill be out with friends, and wont come back till like 8am or something because we were gaming all night and went to Dennys in the morning or something and when I get home shes awake, in tears, and would have called the cops if it werent for the 48 hour law.

[athrun0017]

Yeah.. Corwin is right and Ariya have good points, but its not only your mom thats' the problem.. you, need to decided what to do and how to make it work out for you and your mother. Thats alot easier said than done, but once you decide then just do it!

[Corwin]

I know what you mean halo, but through enough persistence, and an ability to ignore her, usually by the simple expedient of leaving the house any time she starts up, you will soon find she doesn't complain when you are gone all night, and from there you can increase the time frame until she's not a problem anymore, parents are easy to train, it just takes time, patience, and some ingenuity

[Sun Tzu]

I know what you mean halo, but through enough persistence, and an ability to ignore her, usually by the simple expedient of leaving the house any time she starts up, you will soon find she doesn't complain when you are gone all night, and from there you can increase the time frame until she's not a problem anymore, parents are easy to train, it just takes time, patience, and some ingenuity


I use that strategy on my dog.

Its funny how problems differ and where they can arise. Stick to what Corwin said, only way to really tell her you want out is to speak it with your actions. If she can't cut the apron strings, you might have to take the knife and do it for her.

[Spider]

This is probably not the best way of doing things but, Treat her like a person and not family, treat her like any other person, with respect manners and politeness but you wouldn't let another person run your life, yes if that person is sick or has problems your there to lend an open hand, visit for a little while and make sure things are well, but you wouldn't move in with the person or break off a marriage because of them. It might not be the best approach but I've always treated everyone i knew on the same level, parents, family, friends, elders, everyone...

[halo]

Great advice all around. Thank you everyone. I know when I move to another state, its going to be difficult. I am seriously not looking forward to when I move to Japan though. Because then shes really going to flip. But alas, I gotta do what I feel I need to do. I told her last night that I am probably moving back to San Diego in few months, she wasn't happy. She started with her sighs, and her guilt trips. Though I think she is starting to realize that I need to do what I need to do.

[Ryuuzaki]

Zomg your goin to Japan?! O_o Omfg take me, dattebayo!!

It's good shes realizing that you need to do what you need to do. Soon enough she will stop with the guilt trips all together but in the mean time, just deal with it and keep telling her that she needs to let you do what you need to do.

But really take me with you to Japan!!!!!! (when and if your going)

[Break001]

Yea JAPAN i want to visit there :happy: but i hear everything there is friggin expensive as hell -_-' lmao

[monsoon 10]

Ah...man I thought this was going to be a bel-air.

[Shoga]

It seems that your mom doesn't want the apron strings cut. She probably still sees you as her little girl and wants you to be her's and her's alone. It must be hell in your own relationships! If your mother has insurance it should provide a home health aid or nurse. She is a grown woman with a husband it is their responsibility to care for each other not yours! While it's good to care for your mother, it should not be to the extent that it is detrimental to your own well being! You need to get on with your life and your mom knows that as well. In my eyes she is being greedy and selfish, thinking only of herself and not at all about you. It's good to speak with your mom and to visit her, but definetly not to have to move back to care for her. She is asking way too much of you and you are suffering for it! Cut the apron strings and get on with your life. Call her or visit her, but the both of you have seperate lives. Your mother is trying to make your life her's and that is wrong in my eyes. It will definetly be hard for you to move on because you seem like a very caring person, but the longer this goes on the more you will be hurt in the end and the greater your suffering will be. Just do it. I've been on my own since I was 17 and this time next year I'll be in Tokyo. My family is cool with that and they know they won't see me for a few years. I'm an adult the same as you are we can make decisions on our own.

[1,000,000]

Your mom is possibly going to die, and you're saying she's holding you back because she'd like to spend her last moments on earth with you. Nice

[halo]

You're very right Shoga, and I know it's going to be very painful when I do break those strings, it's going to hurt to see the pain she goes through. But it HAS to be done. She already knows that I plan on teaching English in Japan. So she IS prepared to loose me for at least a few years.

An hurry and turn 18 Ryuu and I'll take you with me.

[jinders]

halo > i empathise with you, since i know what it feels like to be far away from your parents in their time of need.. i'm a little surprised that nobody has mentioned this yet, except for Shoga; you mentioned that she is living with your stepfather, although it seems like he doesn't really seem to do much or be able to do much for her when he's not working. perhaps what you could do in addition to talking with your mother is to have a few words with your stepfather, and discuss how he can help in looking after her when you're not around, and also to see in what capacity he actually is looking after her.

i know this might sound a little morbid, but i suggest that you also discuss how you and your stepfather will handle things if the worst case scenario should happen. i'm not suggesting that it might come to pass, God forbid, but it is my understanding that it is a clear and present possibility for you.

another suggestion; since you know how painful it will be for both you and your mother once you decide to go through with your plans, perhaps you could soften it somewhat, and "wean" her off her dependency on you? if you could teach her to use MSN or Skype or any IM with a video calling facility, then perhaps you could have both the freedom that you desire, and at the same time, maintain a vital link with your mother, even when you are in Japan? i think that this would probably afford you some degree of freedom, as well as some degree of comfort on both sides so that you can see how each is doing...

anyhow, i do wish you all the best, and i hope that your mother stays in good health.

[Aikes]

This is a bit late, but if I were you I would:

#1 Speak with her doctors and find out everything. What really is her condition, what can you expect, when, and does she really need home care.

#2 Ask her doctors about Hospice if she is a terminal case. Hospice cares for patients with terminal illness in end stages.

#3 If her condition isn't immediately volatile, ask her doctors about anxiety medications that may alleviate her stress level and there by take some of the weight off your own shoulders.

#4 Manage your own stress. If you aren't sleeping well or engaging in things that give you joy and relief then your spirit will break. Things will seem to be much more stressful than they truly are.

#5 Ask a doctor or nurse if there is someone you can speak to about the situation and how it affects you. Get counseling. Some questions deserve a more experience point of view. There are people trained in human behavior that may have answers the rest of your support network simply can't provide.

[RzXzB]

Talk to your mom because you only have one mother in this world.

[partyprobe]

Get to know an old women around you pork her until she dies for the house and all.

[Ryuuzaki]

Whats amazing is not only does no one read the entire thread before posting, but this post is pretty old >_>

[partyprobe]

Whats amazing is not only does no one read the entire thread before posting, but this post is pretty old >_>

Well dont tell me i will say you know dont mess with me ryuuzaki i know you. you cant mess with this.

[Ryuuzaki]

Well dont tell me i will say you know dont mess with me ryuuzaki i know you. you cant mess with this.

I can mess with you all I want, though before lashing out, try asking who I was directing that toward. It was not to you <3

[partyprobe]

I know but i was just trying to make a scene like people do in wal-mart

[monsoon 10]

I know but i was just trying to make a scene like people do in wal-mart

http://i28.tinypic.com/262wfhy.gif

[Ayumu]

You're very right Shoga, and I know it's going to be very painful when I do break those strings, it's going to hurt to see the pain she goes through. But it HAS to be done. She already knows that I plan on teaching English in Japan. So she IS prepared to loose me for at least a few years.

An hurry and turn 18 Ryuu and I'll take you with me.

Really! I also plan on teaching english in Japan and also korea and mabey parts of china.

[leerock89]

I was thinking of teaching English in Korea but to be honest I plan on living and dying in Antarctica as soon as I can get there.

[Ryuuzaki]

Really! I also plan on teaching english in Japan and also korea and mabey parts of china.
Oh wow, sounds like you have big plans! Hope they happen, sounds like your going to have fun doing it too. :3

[gunbound15]

you need to get your father (or was it stepfather) to take care of her. he's her husband after all, and you also need to sit down and tell your mom that you are trying your best to support her but you need to have a little space if you want to have a life and a family. but you do still need to try your best to help her, just don't let it interfere with your personal life. if you don't support your mom at least somewhat, then you're gonnna regret it after she dies.

[monsoon 10]

I was thinking of teaching English in Korea but to be honest I plan on living and dying in Antarctica as soon as I can get there.
To eat lichen and hunt the penguins.

[spirit]

This is becoming a paranoic situation. Especially when you are being incapacitated by her!
And there's nothing you should be ashamed of, just people should be more understanding and show some compassion.
If I were you I would just simply go together w/ her to some specialist, like a therapist, or even a psychologist - someone w/ authority and outside of your family environment. Someone who could explain to her... your both needs. Because if you are trying to explain it to her... sooner or later it will end up as a argument, or fight... or she will just manipulate you... etc.
That's why I think it's better to take this problem and try to solve it with a help of someone that knows how to do it. She won't be as much hurt... if someone else (a specialist) will tell her... that she needs to let you go, as well as allow you to have an independent life as an adult.